It is another Monday, and I have have been very angry and overly confused at the fact that I have so much to do, and I am pretty sure it is impossible for me to do all the things that I need to do.. this comes from multiple levels of abuse coming my way, and and lack of support, due to graduate school, and myself, coming from a limited resource family. But more, I find myself wondering, and wondering, where should I go? What should I do? Why am I not having fun like other gays my age... I see so many of my friends having fun on weekends, while I continue to work, thinking that it is fun-relaxing research, but indeed, it is work beyond work beyond work. Many times I want to be something else, like a cute little guy that richer bigger guys take care of..... but that leads to levels of slavery and lost of personhood I cannot stand.
And so what?
I have learned that I yearn for that which I do not have. and because of that, I cannot have anything. More I am in bad mood, because I started in a place of loss, negativity, and desolation. And so, instead of that, I will focus on what makes me great, and happy.
I am so thankful that I have so many friends around the world. More I am so happy to be a part of the House of Lauren. They have been more than generous with their support of my research, and I am so happy that they love me and my work enough to support my continuance with it. I am thankful that I have a good chair and good advisors that try hard to support me. And I am thankful that I can reflect and express. At the end of the day, I love expressing myself, I love feeling myself, and I love being catalytic.
Perhaps that is who I am,
Cuauhtémoc Peranda
Father Dante Ome'Lauren
The Poet, Scholar, Dancer, Educator
The Glitter Shaman
The Catalysis
and I am thankful that I can redefine myself everyday!
