My coming out story is really not
that interesting….it was well calculated and precise. I thought to myself, I
was not going to get bashed or spit on. I want power, and I will get it!
In high school…I joined the band,
where queer and sexually active teens were amongst the populous—I wanted it
all. I eventually became the leader of the band, the drum major, and kept my
straightness role in life going as long as humanly possible…there were
challenges, and hiccups, but I was pretty straight… I joined winter guard and wrestling
to show the variety of skills I had, and to have fun—and not be challenged—for I
was graceful yet powerful and fierce. Waterpolo was a way to show masculinity and
get girls—and I did. I hung out with
friends who were chill and smoked pot, so that I would learn to be a deviant
without getting caught. Most of them were closeted homosexuals as well—I learned
from their experiences—listened carefully. I practice gay-dar by reading books by
gays, and I read people left and right,
and ensured I understood performativity—either if it was over-done or underdone to explain actions and behavior. Psychoanalysis
books taken from my mother’s study were very helpful. I spent time with high intellectuals and
joined various math and science clubs so that my learning disabilities could be
hidden, and I could hide my deviant behavior behind my intellectualism. I
planned to go to Stanford for its Chemistry Dept, Dance Program, Native
Community, and Gay Centers…. And I did….
Through High school I came out to the “deviants” – because they could be
trusted, they were true people trying to survive under oppression. I have
always trusted the oppressed.
I got to college, and with all my
research, I created a false history of gayness “coming out with I was 16” and
going though it all. My false narrative gave me a traumatic experience without
ever having one. I got respect, and being bisexual was “like not a big deal”……
I continued… hiding my closet… and
coming out to people as if I had always been out. “like duh, I’ve been out for
like 5plus years”…. Giving others a sense of ignorance (the biggest fear anyone
has is feeling stupid—it smothers homophobia)… moreover my size and presences
saved me from most challenges… and now I am a gay scholar and vogue….
I do have to say, I did come from
a place that loves its gays… there are a lot of gays in my communities…. Santa
Cruz is a very liberal place, my Danza Aztec Group loves Gay people, my own
familia has queer love for it is the love of our family… so struggle was not necessarily
there…
The only bump in the road was
bias and racism… “if you’re so gay, shouldn’t you look like this, act like
this, and be like this….?” Pressure to look one way or be one way…in order to
even participate in gay things….there I was in the center of the gay world, but
not necessarily included… it was weird… so I my thirst for gay culture took me
to research, and I experienced everything on my own... the gay culture consumed
my being and mind…vogue, bathhouses, boyfriends, parties, underground, worlds
beyond worlds became my home… creating an artist of sorts…
Dance set me free…
And so I dance…
Too many lives were created in
this process of coming out…. And it took years…. Now, as a two-spirit, I devote
my life to providing opportunities to the children, to not fall into cracks as
they come out… I have lost too many friends to the pressures of “the gay being”
….
Dance will set us free…
